


Letter to Mom, from Dean

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Angel Castiel, Apocalypse, Based on a My Chemical Romance Song, Bisexual Dean, Dead Mary Winchester, Dean Feels, Dean Talks About Feelings, Dean Winchester Feels, Dean in Hell, Drunk John, F/M, Feelings, Feels, First Kiss, Gen, Heaven, Hell, Homophobic John Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, John's A+ Parenting, Letters, Light Angst, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, No Sex, No Smut, POV Dean Winchester, Season/Series 01, Season/Series 02, Season/Series 02 Spoilers, Season/Series 03, Season/Series 04, Song Lyrics, Songfic, i'm not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-19 00:39:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7337620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear mom,<br/>It's me, Dean.<br/>Where are you?<br/>Yo're an angel now, right?<br/>I don't care about freckles, I just want you to kiss me once more<br/>please.<br/>I'm scared, can you sing me this song, that puts me to sleep, and helps me feel better when I'm sick?<br/>I miss you, mommy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letter to Mom, from Dean

**Author's Note:**

> That's my first published work for this amazing show, be nice please  
> Leave comments and kudos,  
> Constructive criticism is welcomed :)

**A Letter to mom, From Dean**

 

  
Mama, we all go to hell.  
Mama, we all go to hell.  
I'm writing this letter and wishing you well,  
Mama, we all go to hell.

 

 

 _Hi mommy. How are you? I guess you're good, I mean, you're in heaven, right? And heaven is fun and happy and good and smiling and smelling good like you, right? And now you have freckles like me, because angels kiss you and sing to you, right?_  
_Yesterday dad was angry, he told me and Sammy and a funny grumpy guy called Bobby to go to hell. I asked my teacher what's hell, and she told me that this is where the bad people go when they leave forever, and then she told me about heaven, for the good people, and now I know where you are! The teacher also taught me how to write, after I told her that you left when I was 4 and a half, and now I'm almost 7, and I miss you… dad is coming, I have to go, we move again, but I don't think he's looking for you, mommy, but he comes home hurt… and I'm worried._

_Hey again mom. Dad was very angry, he almost hit me, he really smells right now, and me and Sammy are scared… bobby sometimes smells like this too, but he doesn’t call us names like dad, just idjits and he smiles good smile, you know how I know mommy? His eyes sparkle like yours. But dad scares me mommy, and he thinks monsters exist. Only 5 years old would believe in monsters right? We're in the car now, dad is still smelly, but less. I'll stop writing now, there's Led Zeppelin on the radio._

 

_Mommy, I just heard two cool songs: Stairway to Heaven and Highway to Hell. They're cool mom, but dad drove real fast when Highway to Hell, like in the song, does he want to get there? We almost bumped into another car. That was scary mommy. I'm scared._

  
_But something was fun, mom. Dad taught me how to shoot a gun. bull's eye each time mom!_

 

  
Oh, well, now,  
Mama, we're all gonna die.  
Mama, we're all gonna die.  
Stop asking me questions, I'd hate to see you cry,  
Mama, we're all gonna die.

 

 _Hi mom, sorry I didn’t write to you for so long, (almost 2 years) I hope you feel good up there mom, where you're safe from monsters, because most monsters don’t care about dead people, only ghouls, and they're after bodies, and you don't have one because of the fire… so you're not a ghost right? Because they are evil, (those I met) they are actually vengeful spirits, but they're still ghosts, so they're probably evil._  
_Mom, dad told me that anything in the dark can kill me. He gave me a knife and a gun as my 9th birthday (which, of course, he missed) present. It's cool, but I can't hide it yet, because it's too big._  
_dad missed Sam's birthday too, but only a day, and he didn't come drunk. Like… like he thought about Sammy like he cares for him more. I care enough for Sammy, I'm learning how to cook, so we won't have to eat those greasy burgers_  
  
_Mom, I'm 11. And I already know that dad loves Sam better, and I understand, he is quiet and nice, much nicer than me. Dad hit me today, because I missed a target. Called me a failure, but I checked, he is not possessed by a demon._  
  
_MOM!! It's all my fault, a shtriga almost killed little Sammy, because of me. Dad's right, I am a failure, I must be better; I'll be a good son mom! Like dad wants me to be, a real man!_

And when we go don't blame us, yeah.  
We'll let the fire just bathe us, yeah.  
You made us, oh, so famous.  
We'll never let you go.  
And when you go don't return to me my love.

 

 _Hi mom, Dad and I left Sam at Bobby's. we're going on a hunt, it's not like we want to, but this case is serious and it involves kids in my age, almost 12 and I know I must help dad, and I'm not scared mom, because real men aren't scared, that's what dad says._  
_You know that dad is wanted in Delaware? He dug graves and burnet bodies there, and now they're looking for him. But we're already on our way back to Bobby's, we pick up Sam and leave to somewhere else. I'm starting to forget you, mom, your smell, your voice, it's been too long mom, but I know you can't come back, and I don't believe in heaven, hell exists, for sure, I met demons, souls in hell become demons, please don't come back as a demon mom. I don't want to hurt you and another person, (a meat-suit), with holy water and salt…_

Mama, we're all full of lies.  
Mama, we're meant for the flies.  
And right now they're building a coffin your size,  
Mama, we're all full of lies.

 

_Hey mom, I hope you won’t be angry about what I did. I told Sam about our lives, about monsters being real. And for the record, he led me to that, (he knows I keep a gun under my pillow) and he took it well, I mean, he didn't call me a liar, or insane, He's just 8 mom! He's too young. At least he knows that it must be kept a secret, merry Christmas by the way, though a bit late._

_Mom, I'm 14, Sam is 10, and we already lie to every person we meet. I hate that, and Sammy hates that too. We want to be honest with someone. I had writing project at school, I have nothing to write about my childhood before I turned 10 that I remember clearly that is not how dad left us for almost a month (no way I'm telling it) or my first beer (don't be angry, Martin gave it to me, he gave one to Sam as well, couple of years after he gave me)_

_Mom, I'm 15, I just started high school, and the homeroom (and apparently P.E.) teacher wants us to write about a great loss. I took it home, Sam suggested I'll write about a dog or a cat, though we never had, or have one. Here again, dad doesn't want to share anything, or help, so I think about you, while writing lies._

_Mom, I'm 16, and got caught in a fight, after we hunted a werewolf._  
_I was handcuffed, and because I sassed the cop, he left with keys, but that happened in the boys' home, after Sonny helped me so I wasn't arrested. I was there for 2 months, I had my first kiss there, and the only reason I left was Sammy, dad came on the day of the school dance, I really wanted to go with Robin, but seeing Sammy, only 12, with dad… I couldn't stand the thought of Sammy like that, alone, when dad comes back to the motel, drunk and upset, or after a bar fight, at least I have some kind of a chance, at least to avert dad from hurting Sammy, he still doesn't love me as much as he loves Sam, which is way more than he loves me, but less than I love Sam._

 

Well, Mother, what the war did to my legs and to my tongue,  
You should've raised a baby girl,  
I should've been a better son.  
If you could coddle the infection  
They can amputate at once.  
You should've been,  
I could have been a better son.

 

 _Wow, mom, I’m 18, I'm in my senior year, and Sam in 8th grade. I don't care about school anymore, I can't get out of hunting, it's part of me. The other part is finding a girl that looks good, and doesn't have terrible personality (I'm not picky) I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I guess it's easier when there's no criticism from the other party (unlike dad). This son of a bitch irritates me, mom! He doesn't give a damn about me, unless I lose speed while running, calling me a chick, sometimes, mom, I wish I was a girl, because I'm a shitty son._  
_Mom, I didn't tell you before, but when I was 15 I kissed another boy, I told you the kiss with robin was my first, it was, with a girl, and my first real kiss. My very first kiss was with girl, but it was nothing serious. but James and me… we teamed up in every project to spend more time together. I told him I'll probably leave without being able to say goodbye, he told me it's fine, and maybe we will meet again, sooner or later. He also asked me why we were going to his home all the time, so I brought him the motel, we held hands until I heard dad's footsteps, and I hurried and separated, when dad opened the door, James gave me understanding look. He was nice and sharp and a bit sassy sometimes, but could be such a good boy in class, the girls chased him (and me, too) and I was so happy that we were together, I felt proud to be the one he was with, and, surprisingly, I was able to say goodbye, and he understood, and kissed me on the forehead, wishing me luck._  
_I kept it as a secret until now, dad thinks I suck at being his son, if he knew about me liking boys as well, he'll hate me, I already heard him saying it's a disease, he says that his sons are men and can't like another men, he thinks it's a choice, and if not, something you can get rid of. I guess I'll have to hide it for the rest of my (probably shorter than average) life, because I must be a good son._

 

  
And when we go don't blame us, yeah.  
We'll let the fire just bathe us, yeah.  
You made us, oh, so famous.  
We'll never let you go.

 

  
_Time flies, mom, the three of us are on a hunt now, another vengeful spirit, but this time, it possesses people, and for some reason, the spirit has some kind of a type- 17 and 21 year olds and, surprise surprise, dad volunteered us, because we're the perfect bait, the spirit actually just made them and the people they like, or even deeply in love with, to have time to talk, and I dare to say, that unlike most vengeful spirits, he looked pretty good, and didn't have bad intentions, speaking to him, I realized he committed suicide, after his parents arranged his marriage with someone he despised, and his father raped the girl he loved. She was there as well, with him, and they looked happy. He promised he won't do that again, not like that at least, so we led dad to believe that the object was his wedding ring (it wasn't, it was an iron (ha) ring he and his love shared)._

_Mom, it's harder, much harder, to remember anything, your smile, your eyes, I don't remember them anymore, mom. It fades away, it's been more than 17 years, please don’t be angry, I try, but I can't. But there's one thing I'll never forget mom, the joy you brought with you, the light in your eyes, the love in them, you loved me and Sammy equally, and these are the memories I'll never let go, until I'll die, your love and light are in my heart._

 

She said, "You ain't no son of mine  
For what you've done. They're gonna find  
A place for you  
And just you mind your manners when you go.  
And when you go, don't return to me, my love."  
That's right.

 

  
_Sam went to college. I was a bit angry, we are supposed to be hunters. But he got full ride to Stanford, and I'm happy, he deserves that, and he'll continue protecting people, (he's going to learn pre law) and that's half of the family business, I guess I'll do the other half- hunting things, I already do a lot alone._  
_Dad didn't react well, he had a fight with Sam, told him that if he goes out of the door, to never come back, that he's not his son anymore, and Sam left. I stayed, to support dad, to be the good son._  
_I hope Sam will settle down, that the hunting life won't follow him._

_He deserves better, he had always been smarter, he got there by himself._

_But what dad said, I couldn't stand it, mom! Why shouldn't Sam come back? He's family, Winchesters stick together, don't they? And what if he thinks for himself? It's the best for him, and maybe I'll see him. I already miss him, mom._

 

Mama, we all go to hell.  
Mama, we all go to hell.  
It's really quite pleasant  
Except for the smell,  
Mama, we all go to hell.

 

Mama! Mama! Mama! Oh!  
Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma...

 

_Oh, mom, dad hadn't return for too long, and I was worried, so I took Sammy, and we tracked where he was recently, we brought the spirit back home, and to the kids she drowned, and now Sam's with me, because his girlfriend was killed in a house fire, like you. I wish I didn't do that, didn't take Sammy, but now we're together, after the thing that killed you and Jessica, Sam's girlfriend. Guess what song played as waited him to go down mom? Highway to Hell. I hope it has nothing to do with our future._

_We're back home mom. And 6 months old kids are attacked, like Sammy was, and we're home, in Lawrence, Kansas, our old home was rebuilt, and we found photos of you and the family…_

_Mom… thanks for the help with the poltergeist. I really hope you're in heaven right now, because if someone deserves to be there, it's you._

_Mom, we found dad, and the one that killed you, Azazel._

 

_Mom, dad is dead, he told me goodbye after Tessa got possessed by Azazel, and I got back to life (Tessa is a reaper) so I'm alive and dad Is dead, and we're looking for him again, and we will kill Azazel._

_Mom, Sam is dead, so I brought him back to life, I have one year here mom, not 10, one. But I'll do anything for Sammy. Anything._  
_We killed Azazel. And I don't care that I'm dying, but Sam is upset, that I sold so quickly what dad achieved by death._

_Mom, I know where my contract is. It's with Lilith, and according to Ruby, (Sam's demon friend) we need to find her, she helped us with the seven deadly sins, she has a demon killing knife. But that has nothing to do with anything now, (I defeated Lust by the way, maybe I'm immune, though not possible, I mean, I felt the effect, I don't know how I did it)_

_Mom, I'm dying, I really am, and I'm scared, I lived this year to the fullest, Sam and I had an actual Christmas, (the closest was when he gave me my amulet and I stole a Barbie doll for him (for the record- it was wrapped, and I didn't know) ) but now it was Winchester Bros' style Christmas, beers and junk food, with a Christmas tree and lights, and it was fun._

_But now mom, it hurts, I already see people's true faces, and I have little to no hours 'till my death._

  
_Mom! It hurts, the hellhounds, they drag me, they bite, scratch, scar._  
 _Mom, I think I'm already dead._

 

_I'm in hell mom, the song in the car, when dad drove us as kids, when I started writing, the night Sam joined me on the journey to find dad, it was true, I drove on my highway to hell._

 

And if you would call me your sweetheart,  
I'd maybe then sing you a song

 

 _It feels like years here, mom, and I keep my promise, I don't forget you, I think of you, singing Hey Jude when the pain is unbearable._  
_Alistair comes for me every day, gives me the choice- torture or being tortured, I'm scared mom, it becomes harder to say no._

But there's shit that I've done with this fuck of a gun,  
You would cry out your eyes all along.

 

 _I surrendered, mom. I said yes after 30 years on the rack. I started torturing them, Alistair is proud of me, mom, and I enjoy it._  
_I hate myself enough, so you don't need to give me second thought, it's almost 10 years since I started torturing souls._

We're damned after all.  
Through fortune and flame we fall.  
And if you can stay then I'll show you the way,  
To return from the ashes you call.

 

  
_I'm out of hell mom, and I don't know who saved me, but at least I know it's not one of Alistair's 'tests'. But I know there's something weird and very strong after me, brighter than the sun, and with a voice that shatters glass. I don't deserve to be saved mom, I tortured souls, I'm a demon. But I'm also not._

 

We all carry on  
When our brothers in arms are gone  
So raise your glass high  
For tomorrow we die,  
And return from the ashes you call.

 

 

 _I know now who saved me mom._  
_The name is Castiel (but Sam and I call him Cas) and he can burn people's eyes._  
_He is the one who gripped me tight and raised me from perdition; I have his hand print near my shoulder. He's warm like the light that I felt after 10 years of torturing souls. He's an angel of the lord, he's a good soldier of heaven, and doesn't know what 'personal space' is. He's very close sometimes, but not too much. He's helping Sammy and me to stop the apocalypse. He rebelled against heaven and the archangels for us. For me._

 _He's family, we need him. I love him._  
_Maybe this time, after our death, we will go to heaven, like when Roy and Walt killed us, and we will meet again, you, me and Sammy._  
_I miss you, mom._

_~~Yours,~~ Love,_

_Dean._

 

 

 

>  

**Author's Note:**

> As I mentioned before, it's my first published work in Supernatural fandom, but it's also my first songfic/lyricfic.  
> It's based on the alternative rock band My Chemical Romance's 'Mama' from their third album, The Black Parade (2006) all rights reserved to the Amazing writers of Supernatural for the characters and happenings.  
> All rights for the lyrics are reserved for My Chemical Romance, of course.  
> Every mistake is mine.
> 
> If you have any other ideas for songfics?  
> I'd like to hear them! (I mean, see, but yeah...) 
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you liked it. :)  
> Kudos and comments are appreciated!


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